Want to know more? Best Man Duties Drinking Games Planning the Party FAQ’s Jokes for the Toast and just generally funny shit!  Reasons it's great to be a guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and hair dressers don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. All your orgasms are real. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. You don't have to shave below your neck. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. You can write your name in the snow. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Flowers fix everything. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me". The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. One mood, all the time You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. You don't mooch off others' desserts. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. The remote control is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dr Livingston was walking through the jungle and came across a clearing with a huge Hippopotamus lying dead in the middle of it. On top of the Hippo was a pygmy. Dr Livingston approached the pygmy and asked, "Did you kill that?" The pygmy replied "Yes I did." Dr Livingston is surprised by this and continues by asking, "How did you kill it?" "With my club" replies the pygmy. Dr Livingston asks, "How big is your club?" "Oh, there's about twenty of us," says the pygmy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two computer programmers meet in the street … "Hey, is that a new bike?" "Yes it is. I was walking through the park yesterday and this gorgeous woman rides up to me. She got off the bike, took all her clothes off, lay down on the grass in front of me and said "Take what you want big boy!" ". "Good decision! The clothes probably would have been too small anyway." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do married men put on weight? Because they used to come in, take a look at what's in the fridge and then go to bed. Now they take a look at what's in the bed, and then go straight to the fridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened by the time she brings it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the stove! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, And suffer-ring. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some Quotes My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- " Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same :"You can have mine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants and he will get it, but his mother-in-law will also get double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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